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Do Parents Have Power?

Do Parents Have Power?

by | Feb 24, 2023 | Parenting

Manners and sanctification

Date

February 27, 2023

Categories

Parenting

I’m curious. What do you think of the copious news stories about our schools? Should a boy who identifies as a girl be able to use the girl’s bathroom? Is our country systemically racist? Should those ideas be taught to our children in school?

While these stories have political angles, I’m not going there. This is not about Democrats and Republicans. This is clearly part of a much larger spiritual battle over generations of children.

These stories may get your heart rate up and they do seem (intended or not) to have the effect of marginalizing parents.

But it dawned on me that they also actually provide parents with an absolutely encouraging message: parents have more power than they realize.

Do Parents Really Matter?

The fact that there are forces so bent on reshaping curricula and morality and silencing any dissent is a clear indicator of at least two things. First, that children were designed to be taught. Second, that those who teach the children are in a very powerful position. The Scriptures alone are sufficiently clear on this matter. I think of Deuteronomy 6:4-10 and Ephesians 6:1-4. I think of the whole book of Proverbs.

Obviously, parents matter or else their opinions on these issues would be of no concern. I doubt we would see many of these stories because there would be no point. But apparently, it does matter—a lot. And this is why we see such an onslaught against our children and their parents.

What we teach our children through what we say and do does matter—and neither need to be perfect to be effective.

First, Some Encouragement

As a rule, 18 years of struggling but earnest training is more effective than any other influence in the life of your child.

What is Training?

Training is actual teaching God’s truth and/or modeling God’s truth in how we live. The two go together but in terms of training it does not nor should it look like a Sunday school class. It can be a spiritual question, comment. It can be simple confession of a sin. It can be a simple prayer. It can be the choice to have a calm response to the “person” who cuts your off in traffic.

Seize the Many Opportunities

There are many, many opportunities to train our children when we slow down long enough to see them. Frankly, each moment we are with our children is a time where training can take place.

Talk About Spiritual Things On The Way

When taking your daughter to ballet or your son to soccer, or just a quick run to buy $5 sushi at Kroger on Wednesday, these are opportunities. Why does this seem so difficult to do? I get in the car with a child and its quiet, I then try to start a conversation and the answers I get are such that you’d think words were scarce as hen’s teeth. Sometimes, you remain quiet. Sometimes you ask spiritual questions like, “Did you think of Jesus today?” “What are you reading in your devotions this week?” “How can I pray for you?” Perhaps the answers are less than ideal. But this is why we have 18 years. The imperfections and failures are minimized against the backdrop of basic faithfulness. Here is an example of a recent conversation I had with my daughter.

Pray With Your Children When You Drop Them off at an Activity or Work

Over the years, four of my children have worked at the same retail store near our house. When I have dropped each one off, my practice has been to pray for their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual safety as well as for God to use them as lights for the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ to their customers and co-workers.

But doing so has involved a bit of an internal struggle from time to time. Often, as I drove up to the main entrance of the store, I think, “I don’t want to be cringe, so should I pray for them?” Why do this?” “It feels weird.” “Does he/she really care?” “What difference does it make?” “They might think I’m being too spiritual.” I typically ask if I can pray and the response always seems genuine: “Yes!”. And so, I pray.

I did not think this mattered a whole lot until one day when I asked one of my children about something I don’t even remember specifically. But the response was, “Well, Dad, you pray about everything.” I was secretly doing spiritual summersaults when I heard that because I had not been completely consistent in praying and my prayers at times were rather brief and general. But clearly, they mattered.

Other Ideas

  • Ask what they covered in Sunday school, youth or children’s ministry.
  • Discuss one point from the sermon in the car ride home from church.
  • Pray with your children before bedtime.
  • Take them to a botanical garden (or a simple walk around the neighborhood will do) and point out things that remind us of God’s wonder and care for us.
  • Send them texts with scripture verses.
  • Read and discuss books, such as Corrie ten Boom’s, The Hiding Place, together that teach biblical values.
  • Pray and read the Word together at meals.
  • Memorize Scripture together.
  • Send notes to them congratulating them on spiritual growth you’ve noticed.
  • Ask what they are reading in their devotions.
  • Ask them how you can pray for them.

Each of these requires each one of us to put down our phones which seems harder to do these days. Each one of these seems too insignificant too matter but each one does matter when part of a larger effort to be faithful. Patterns produce moments. Moments, rarely produce patters.

Be encouraged not to give up. Little opportunities taken over time can lead to very satisfying results.

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How the Gospel Frees Us from Regret

How the Gospel Frees Us from Regret

by | Feb 13, 2023 | Gospel, Marriage, Parenting

Manners and sanctification

Date

February 13, 2023

Categories

Parenting

Gospel

Marriage

“Mike and Sarah have such a good marriage. Look how in-love they are—even after 20 years! We could never be like them. I regret all the mistakes we’ve made.”

“Did I really marry the right guy? I mean he’s been ok as a husband and father, but it sure has been a very difficult road. I sometimes wish I had married someone else.”

“Jerry has done so well. I’d love to have the salary, retirement, and the sense of accomplishment he has. I regret that I chose the path I did.”

Parenting Regrets

Regrets. We all have them. Whether it’s an unsatisfying relationships or career; regrets cling to us like an old sock to underwear after passing through the drier without fabric softener. One area where regrets are especially painful is in parenting.

We might muse, “I regret not being the spiritual leader to my children that I should have been. No wonder my children are struggling spiritually.”

Many conscientious parents will look back over the years and fall into the fetal position over their mistakes ranging from the silly to the willful. We regret things we have done that were wrong. We regret the things we have not done that were right.

For me, the mistakes that seem to hurt the most are the ones I made in ignorance, i.e. the ones I made because I was young, idealistic, and lacking practical life wisdom. For example, how many men reading this who have adult children wish they had spent more time in the office? I doubt many. I think most wish they had invested more heavily in their children than they did. Finding boundaries during those years is particularly hard. The pressures of providing for a family are like a London fog that makes it hard to see other important responsibilities.

Replaying Our Regrets Over and Over

Whatever the case, do your mistakes play over and over again in your head? Maybe they sound to you like a reworded version of Nat King Cole’s famous song, Unforgettable? Regrettable…in every way…  regrettable… that’s what you are… that’s how I’ll stay…

Stop The Downward Spiral

How do you stop the downward spiral into the black hole of regret?

Forgiveness

First, where our choices were clearly wrong, we are forgiven in Christ. Because we are forgiven in Christ, we can ask forgiveness of God and those we wronged for specific sins. Forgiveness is the Mount Everest of promises that when accessed by faith, provides real freedom that sometimes is enough by itself and at other times the powerful start to a more difficult but hopeful journey. Either way, it can lift us out of the downward spiral of regret.

Things Might Not be Different

Second, it is helpful to realize that there is no guarantee that a different choice would have resulted in a better outcome. You could have made different decisions back then and things could still have turned out the same. “I could’ve spent more time with the kids”, “I could have chosen a different career path” and still struggle the same way. A child could still have walked away from Christ. The same laziness would still beset him. The same lack of direction would still plaque him.

All Things Work Together for Good

Third, Rom 8:28-30. These are verses quoted often but their encouragement is always and especially relevant when crumbling under the emotional elephant of regret. “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.” “All” means good and bad. Who are those who love God? Only those who have been indwelt by his Holy Spirit. Those who believe the gospel. This is a promise from God. The truth shall set you free.

Because God is sovereign, he is able to use the bad things for good in our lives. When looking back on mistakes, we are free to ask, “Ok, what have I learned?” Interesting—only people who are at peace with God can honestly ask that question. Because we are in Christ, we are safe. Our poor performance does not reduce our righteousness and thus our standing with God. Working from that security, we can look at the situation, own it, and grow in our understanding of God’s grace and mercy. It may be hard to discern but it is there.

Sojourner’s Mindset

Fourth, we are exiles and sojourners. The mindset of the sojourner is long term. The more long term perspective we have, the more we are able to navigate the challenges of our mistakes and poor choices. Time passes as we seek God, repent of our sin, and aim to walk more faithfully.

Time and Wounds

I don’t believe time heals all wounds. I believe God can heal wounds over time. Real consequences and residue might still remain but God’s grace and mercy are not impotent. They are powerful although the truth of that is measured not usually in immediate relief but the calm, confident assurance that we are going to be ok because we are united to a loving and merciful God through Christ. We are assured of his faith-sustaining presence through to the end—and beyond.

Light and Darkness

The biblical analogy of light in darkness seems a fitting end to my comments. The light of the gospel of grace and mercy outshines the darkness of regret and it does this in a way that also exposes the ultimate impotency of the darkness itself. We have already won the battle through Christ.

As ones who have that hope within us through the gleaming light of The Word ministered by his Holy Spirit in our hearts; we have the power to overcome regret. We can see with new eyes. We can actually experience new life in Christ that does more than give us a brief but doubting smile. It is the key to rising above every situation no matter how small or large.

Checkout our free one week family devotional:
5:17 People Week

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How Might Jesus Want us to Teach Manners?

How Might Jesus Want us to Teach Manners?

by | Feb 13, 2023 | Parenting

Manners and sanctification

Date

January 27, 2023

Categories

Parenting

I was sitting at the kitchen table with the kids. We finished our devotions and I decided to take a few minutes to talk about manners from a booklet that I picked up somewhere. For quite some time, I noticed alarming degrees of slippage in various social graces here at Grace Estates (a.k.a. my home) that needed some attention—and the moment seemed right to take action.

Before I go any further, you know that I am a fussbudget about our identity in Christ; our union with him that is essential to live for him. This truth, so central to the gospel, and so prevalent through Scripture from Genesis to Revelation is curiously absent from so many spiritual growth, marriage and parenting materials. We live in such a moralistic culture—even in the church and our homes.

Surly and Ferocious Parents

You’ve heard of helicopter parents. I am something of a helicopter identity theologian. And I’m proud of it–we’d all be better-off if we all aspired to being helicopter identity theologians. Otherwise, life—and religion—is only about whose rules are better—and can be nothing but graceless. My fastidious concern about this makes me think of myself as a cross between the surly “Child Catcher” in the 1968 hit movie, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the ferocious Incredible Hulk (the television show in the late 1970’s). I am always sniffing around for the absence of what always needs to be there—and usually isn’t. When I find the void, it affects me.

This book on manners I’d found was yet another volume in what seems like an endless series titled, How to Live for Christ Without Christ and Ensure a Life of Misery While Faking Joy. It was all about what we should do and nothing of the why (which contains the power) for living the Christian life.

What Motivates our Manners?

As a kid, you need better motivations for not picking your nose than that your parents thinks its gross and say that back in the “golden age” of Victorian England or 1950’s America, people didn’t pick their nose. I wish I lived in one of those times, don’t you? Family life was so perfect back then! (Yes, I’m being sarcastic.)

We have a very serious problem in our homes when it’s all about outward appearance—especially when the picture of that obedience is derived from the Bible. Manners and rules certainly have a place because God’s holiness demands it. There is a broader conversation to be had about manners and rules that I won’t get into here. But externally doing right is never enough and frankly is an ugly caricature of the obedience that glorifies God. Why?

Love is the Best Motivator

Jesus reminds us that the summary of the law is love (Matt. 22:36-40, Rom. 13:10). Love is an active emotion (I Cor. 13.) And, why do we love? Because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). Who he is and what he has done for us should always be our motive for doing. Isn’t it interesting that God freed Israel from Egyptian slavery before he gave them the law? Why? So that they would obey God out of gratitude and love for what he had already done for them, not duty, or an attempt to earn God’s blessing. Paul’s Epistles normally begin with a reminder of what God in his grace, mercy, and love has done for us before he addresses practical issues people are facing. This is not a matter of literary style but has everything to do with us being able to do.

What God has already accomplished is integrally connected to the doing because it provides a right motive (remember man sees the outward appearance but God sees the heart 1 Sam. 16:7, Luke 16:15).

How many kids stop picking their nose because of a clear understanding of God’s love? I doubt many do. And you can argue that it’s a reach (but not impossible) for kids of booger-eating age to understand that as a motivation. But there are older “kids” who should probably know better and who do understand motive where it still makes little difference. In either case, learning is rarely a perfect event but a long process of hearing something over and over and over again until it fully registers.

Deficient Training

What’s needed is NOT a reduced concern for manners and rules. What’s needed is simply more complete training that has as its main focus knowing God’s love more fully through being enamored with all of his demonstrations of grace, love, and mercy throughout the Bible and most importantly, in the work of his perfect Son, Jesus.

Jesus not only died for us; he lived for us, too (Rom. 5:7-10). He kept the law perfectly where we could not and earned the righteousness which he has given to us to define us as God’s children, and as motivation for living more like him. Being precedes doing.

Different Training Needed

I am convinced that training that keeps this in mind looks different from what we’re used to. Perhaps to the eyes of the world and especially to the church—it’s a little odd. On the morning that I read the manners book, I flew the helicopter over the living room and started a dialog with the kids that went something like this: Who are we? We are God’s children. As God’s children, does he care how we live? Yes, of course he does. As God’s children, what is true of us? He loves us, daddy. Yes, he does. His love should cause us to want to live in ways that reflect well on him to others. So, today I wanted to talk a little about manners. And here’s the bottom line:

Booger eaters tend to stop eating their boogers when they find something better to eat.

Profound, right? I will continue to train my children in manners but Lord willing I can be faithful in reminding them that the issue—and thus my focus in training—is not one of simply saying, “yes sir”, holding the door for other people, and not picking their nose but why they choose to do those things.

Teaching manners in the heavy context of “being”, also provides what we all need, grace. We all need grace because we all fail. This is the problem with rote obedience. It provides no grace when we mess up over and over again. This causes us to hate the right things we’re trying to do—and in some cases hate the One who defines those right things. They expose our sin and don’t provide a way back to God. God is not so much glorified in our doing as he is in our satisfaction in his glory (which will lead to doing). This may seem like seminary theology but it really is kitchen table theology that we all need so that we bring God glory in our manners.

Checkout our free one week family devotional:
5:17 People Week

Listen to our podcast here:
Home In Him Podcast

Enduring Men

Enduring Men

by | Feb 6, 2023 | Marriage, Parenting

Manners and sanctification

Date

September 13, 2021

Categories

Parenting

Marriage

• A college student’s Philosophy professor argued to the whole class that Christians made Satan and are therefore responsible for evil in the world.

• A cashier was screamed at being called a racist and threatened with a lawsuit simply because she made a mistake and charged a slightly higher price on an item.

• On his first day of school, a 12 year old boy’s class was asked about which pronoun each student wanted to be identified by.

All of those anecdotes are 100% true because they happened either to one of my children or a neighbor. 

But, the most outlandish story comes from Texas where The Temple of Satan is preparing to preserve their member’s right to an abortion by making the case that the “Satanic Abortion Ritual” is protected by religious liberty laws. These are alarming headlines. 

Battling Fear?

As a father of eight, I battle fear for how my children will fare in a an increasingly polarized and anti-Christian society. Will they stand firm and not abandon their faith in Jesus Christ? Will they be able to rise above fear and intimidation and provide an answer for the hope that is within them to the many people who are lost in all of this upheaval? 

Hebrews’ Example

My thoughts turn to the book of Hebrews where the Christians being written to were facing far worse circumstances. For example, some were jailed and some had their property taken away just because they were Christians.

The writer exhorts his audience to endure. But he does this in a way that might seem impractical and even tone deaf to us today.

What The Hebrews Did Not Hear

What they did NOT hear was a political strategy for fighting Rome to stop the persecution. Nor, did they hear a simple 5-Step plan (with alliteration) to deal with the troubles of persecution (not that those are not bad things to do but they certainly are not what he says).

What The Hebrews Heard

Instead, he pleads with them to, “pay close attention to what you have heard.” (Heb. 2:1). Then, he passionately reminds them of what they had heard. He goes into great detail about how much greater Jesus is than the angels, the prophets (even Moses!); he is the final sacrifice, the perfect high priest who continually intercedes for us in heaven. 

To disturbing practical problems, the writer gives a theology lesson. Who in these days would value that that?

Are We Listening?

If Hebrews were a Sunday school class, imagine the conversation on the ride home from church. A teenager pipes up: “Can you believe it?! Like, he spent like the whole Sunday School talking about Jesus as a sacrifice and high priest stuff. I mean, totes, but man, I am freaking about the friends I’m losing after liking that tweet.” 

Is Jesus Enough?

This gets right to the problem we have with our problems. We struggle to see how Jesus is the solution. We struggle to even take time to really look at Jesus; who he was and what he did for us. Doing that is often the overlooked key to enduring trials—says the author of Hebrews. Not because it works like a magic fu-fu, but because an intentionally faithful pursuit of the person and work of Jesus will increasingly fill us with joy and gratitude that causes us to more and more choose obedience (endurance) over sin (failure).

We always want something. We are always trying to get something from our experiences or other people. What are our problems other than things that get in the way of pursuing what we want? So, if what we constantly want is Jesus, then we can always have him, no matter what. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.

Jesus is superior in value to anything we gain, lose, or face in this life. Is it our aim to remember (and rediscover, if necessary) that and to faithfully proclaim it to ourselves and to our children every day?

NOTE: I am excited to announce a special teaching we have designed to encourage and equip men in this very pursuit. We call it, “Enduring Men in Troubled Times”. This is a simple look at keeping Jesus in view, why it is important, and how to actually do it in your home. There will be discussion and practical application. Please consider this for your men’s group. For more information click here!

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Identity Through the Eyes of a Nine Year Old

Identity Through the Eyes of a Nine Year Old

by | Jan 13, 2023 | Gospel, Parenting

Identity conversation with a nine year old

Date

January 13, 2023

Categories

Parenting

One of the highlights of my week is driving my daughter to her ballet lesson. I enjoy the time with her, our conversations, and honestly, treating her to a slurpees afterwards. What follows is a sneak peak into one of our recent conversations. All of our conversations are not like this. But it is in having lots of average conversations that we get the ones that are particularly gratifying. I offer this as an encouragement to parents with younger children that their kids can begin to do commerce with their identity in Christ.

Eric: How did you day go?

Ella: I helped mom with Isabella. (Isabella is a 4 year old that Leslee sometimes babysits).

Eric: How did that go?

Ella: She arrived loud, angry, and crying. It was really hard.

Eric: What did you learn about yourself through that?

Ella: I don’t like to help.

Eric: How does Jesus help you help mom with Isabella?

Ella: He died for my sin.

Eric: Ok. How does Jesus dying for your sin help you help mom?!

Ella: Because he died for my sin, I should be able to put up with Isabella.

I doubt that my daughter fully grasps the full meaning of what she said, but, that does not concern me. She is LEARNING to THINK like a new creation in Christ!

For more encouragement:
The Ology by Marty Machowski
Three Essential Truths We Need To Tell Our Kids