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Five Relationship Building Questions

Five Relationship Building Questions

by | Mar 13, 2023 | church, Hospitality, Parenting

Manners and sanctification

Date

Republished from April of 2017

Categories

Parenting

Church

Hosptality

Ok, Eric. I’ve said, “No”. Now what?

In an article I wrote earlier this year, I exhorted everyone to say NO to some good activities in order to make time to say YES to more intentional spiritual investment and relationship-building.

Listed below are five relationship-building questions that I put together and gave to each of my three oldest children age 13-16 right after Christmas. I gave them a week to consider the questions and then I took each one over to Panera to discuss their answers over a cup of Dark Roast. These conversations were satisfying and insightful for each of us.

I want to share these questions with you not as a model but as a super simple example. My hope is that this will get your own juices flowing as to how you might do something similar.

Note: Although I used these with some of my kids, they can be easily modified and used with a spouse!

1. What is a spiritual goal that you would like to set for yourself this year?

2. What is a life goal that you would like to pursue this year?

3. What is an idol in your life that you would like to have greater victory over?

4. How can Mom and I pray for you?

5. What is something I can do better as a father?

This last question is one I ask regularly of my wife and my children. I love my family and there are many things I know I can do better. Of particular concern to me is correcting the things that I do wrong that might exasperate my children and that I might also be unaware.

Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to exasperate their children. The best way to know if we’re doing that is to humble ourselves and just ask. I am grateful that my kids have been truthful and gracious in answering this question when I’ve asked it. Over time, areas have been identified that I have overcome or am still working on. What a blessing it is for me to be able to change rather than to blindly continue on and risk the growth of bitterness toward me and God.

Increasingly, I view my older children as spiritual brothers and sisters who along with many others, I depend upon to speak the truth to me. While I still maintain a proper father-role, asking them this question (and the previous ones) has deepened our relationship in a unique way and is preparing them for more meaningful participation in church community.

Will You Say “No” This Year?

Will You Say “No” This Year?

by | Mar 13, 2023 | Home

Manners and sanctification

Date

Republished from January of 2017

Categories

Home

Have you made any New Year’s resolutions this year?

If you have not yet carved out some time to quiet yourself and think about some basic goals, especially spiritual goals for yourself, and your family, I exhort you to do so. It really does help recalibrate our lives around what is most important: our walk with Jesus Christ.

Toward that end, may I suggest one resolution that will make a huge difference in reaching this most important goal? Learn to say, “NO!”

Our own growth and our participation in the growth of others in Christ requires good old focus and intentionality which means saying NO to usually very good things such as:

-athletics (that keep families constantly in the car and out of the house multiple nights per week)

-personal hobbies

-church activities

-parties and gatherings

(NOTE that I am not saying these are bad things and I am not saying that everyone must say no to these specific and/or all other activities. The point is, are we willing to say NO if that’s what’s required to achieve the better goal of knowing Jesus more deeply as individuals and families?)

WE SAY NO SO THAT we can say YES to more important pursuits such as:

-Getting to know Jesus better through Bible reading, meditation and prayer as individuals and as a family.

-Making it a regular part of our a schedule to sit down with our spouse, and/or child(ren) to talk deeply about what is going on in each other’s lives and deal with the idolatry that often runs–and ruins–our lives and relationships.

Who on their death-bed ever wishes they had spent more time at the office, the gym or on their favorite electronic device? Life quickly passes and as we age, we realize how much time we’ve wasted on good things that really added no long term value in our lives and the lives of others.

Two important points before I close:

First, how we say NO is important. It must be done in a loving and gentle way that shows empathy and understanding. But this is even more true for how we accept being told NO! We must be understanding and accept someone’s decision to say NO without bitterness, judgment, or sending subtle messages meant to convey disapproval (things which we’ve all done at one time or another). I have been encouraged when people have responded to my saying NO with an affirmation of the friendship and/or acknowledgement of the import of other commitments that led to the NO.

Second, why is all of this so hard? One central reason is that we idolize other people’s approval. We don’t want to be the wet blanket. We don’t want people to wrongly conclude that our saying NO means that we don’t like them or that we don’t see them as important. We crave the approval we get when we say YES.

But the approval idol is at work both ways. For the person who has to hear NO, it can mean battling the feeling that you are not approved because they said NO.

Thankfully, the gospel addresses the approval problem at both ends and frees us to make wise and sometimes hard decisions. We already have all the approval we need from the One whose opinion matters most, God. “We are not our own. We are bought with a price.” (1 Cor. 16:20) God the Father bought us with the precious blood of His Son, Jesus Christ so that we might serve Him not our own expectations or those of others.

Living for him means saying YES to Him. It means joyful obedience. But in order to say YES to Him, we must become better at saying NO to other things. Let us be emboldened to say, “NO”, knowing that we are gaining something that is much more satisfying and fulfilling in return: an eternal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ that unites the church and the home in love.

Freedom for Frustrated Fathers

Freedom for Frustrated Fathers

by | Mar 13, 2023 | Parenting

Manners and sanctification

Date

Republished from May of 2017

Categories

Parenting

Maybe it’s a Saturday. You are busy doing any number of things all at once: entering receipts into Quicken, squeezing in a three and a half minute conversation with your wife, or trying to fix the leaky faucet in the kitchen… and then it happens. Like a bolt of lightning screeching from a cumulonimbus cloud, one of your kids rushes in, “Dad! Will you please do something about (insert sibling’s name)?! I am SO SICK AND TIRED of how he doesn’t listen to me!”

It is in those encounters that as fathers we might close our eyes and ask, “WHY is this happening to me—again?!” At worst, we might think, “Why did I ever think it was a good idea to have children?!”

Those are revealing moments. Thankfully, our righteousness is not in our performance as fathers, but irrevocably in Jesus Christ. We can confess such thoughts and our angry, frustrated, or disinterested responses as sin and be forgiven. But wouldn’t it be better to simply have a good response in the first place? Wouldn’t it be better to quit viewing such events as pesky distractions and instead embrace them with a completely different perspective?

Consider the following quote: These guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of childrearing is not the child but the parent.

I do not endorse that statement as a philosophy for parenting. But there is a powerful string of truth in it that is insightful and even biblical. Romans 8:28-29 talks about how God uses “all things” in our lives to conform us to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. For fathers, this includes those situations where we struggle with our kids’ behavior. We should ask God to show us how he is using these situations to reveal how—we—need to change!

I confess that I am often wrapped up in my own issues to the extent that I sometimes don’t see that there are other people—even my own kids who are standing right in front of me—who need/want my help. In fact, I often see those moments as the burdensome requirements of parenting rather than providentially orchestrated opportunities for greater redemption in my own life.

If God is trying to show us something about ourselves, and we refuse to listen, we are kicking against the goads. Often, he uses our spouses and children as his sanctifying tool. We can conquer these tests by asking God, “Ok. What are you teaching ME here?” When we know we’re struggling with our own attitude, asking this question helps position us not only to minister to our children, but to do so in a way that allows us to see God’s redemptive intention for us as well.

When the lightning strikes and we remember that God intends to refine us, too, it humbles and comforts us and then compels us to minister in a truly redemptive way. This provides an entirely different perspective on the otherwise frustrating situations we often encounter with our kids.

Four Ways for Parents to Seize More Moments

Four Ways for Parents to Seize More Moments

by | Mar 6, 2023 | Parenting

Manners and sanctification

Date

Republish from July 2017

Categories

Parenting

A high school graduation. A marriage. Or perhaps more likely the death of a friend or family member. All are occasions to reflect on how wisely we have invested our time in the people most precious to us. As I graduated my first child, Abigail, from high school this year I was slapped across the face once again with the reality that her days left under my roof are likely very few.

Over the last few months, I have waxed misty-eyed nostalgic about my “little girl” as cherished moments fly through my mind to the sappy chorus of Memories sung by Barbara Streisand. Wow. Did I do enough? Did I accomplish everything I should have accomplished? Perhaps I missed too many moments?

Most moments are just that, moments. Often unscripted. Pure. Vapor. In a day of endless distraction with Lilliputian matters that add little positive value to our lives we would do well to more carpe diem, or to “seize more of the day”. Following are four ways to do that:

  1. Ask God to give you a heart for your children. The prophet Malachi wrote that the coming of the Lord would be heralded by the hearts of fathers being turned to their children. Fathers tend to be more easily disposed to work, not relationships. Asking God to give us hearts for our children is a prayer he loves to answer.
  2. Have a weekly planning time where you review what is happening in your family. As part of this time, start a journal where you write a sentence or two about what you notice going on in the life of each child. This forces you to think about each person at least once per week in a way that will alert you if you are in fact needing to make more relational opportunities.
  3. Be intentional about making time with your children. Since we actually do 90% of what we write down in our calendars, schedule a time in your week to spend time with a child.
  4. Ask your spouse to alert you when they observe you “zone out”, miss a que, or make wrong choices. Speaking personally, I can be sitting right next to one of my children and never hear a word they say. Why? I’m thinking about something else. A problem at work. Or begrudging why the Washington Redskins are such a poorly run football franchise. Since we are often blind to some of our interpersonal failures, asking to be informed while sometimes difficult to hear, is really necessary if we are serious about doing better.

When we are on our death bed we will not wish that we had spent more time at the office. There is a lot of wisdom in this statement but it is still moralism. In fact, my four suggestions by themselves are moralism. They still don’t provide a motivation to want to set aside the facebook timeline or a game of golf and seize the moments with our kids. We are often motivated to do right things for the wrong reasons. This is convicting as a parent. It is much easier to do what we want to do.

I am reminded that the backdrop for Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is Deuteronomy 5:6, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.” Before we were parents, we were slaves. But God has redeemed us from that slavery by the blood of his own dear Son. Jesus has bought for us redemption which includes a new identity that is not dependent upon our performance as parents. It also means that our parenting has an eternal and God-glorifying mission to it. Remembering these things and more motivates us differently. It is the only power great enough to compel us to be more intentional when it is hard—and it is often harder than it is easier. Imagine actually wanting to seize moments?!

Listen to our Freedom from Performance Parenting Podcast series here!

 

Introducing Hope

Introducing Hope

by | Mar 4, 2023 | Anxiety, Gospel

Manners and sanctification

Date

Republished from August of 2017

Categories

Parenting

Gospel

Marriage

Today’s headlines are downright scary but they might not concern you as much what is going on in your own home. Maybe you are emotionally and physically exhausted from a lifestyle that seems mostly out-of-control? Perhaps you find yourself thinking, “I just can’t take it anymore!” Welcome to family life in the 21st Century. Is there any real hope?

I would like to introduce you to hope. Real hope. This is not wishful thinking but confident assurance that despite circumstances, four things can still be true of you and your family.

First, a day will come when sin, death, pain, and suffering will end. These painful challenges will not last forever (Rev. 21:4). They will come to an end. Far better days rare still ahead. Living faithfully today involves remembering this important truth in the midst of the battle and allowing it, rather than our raw emotions, to shape our response to it. I admit that I do not dwell enough upon this important truth. How about you?

Second, God is using even awful circumstances to accomplish his will in your life. In Romans 8:28-29, Paul reminds us that all things, not just the good things, work together for our good. Although we prefer it when things are going great, the truth is, we don’t grow much in those times. We grow better through challenges because they help us see how we are not like Jesus. God’s will is that we grow to live more like who we already are in Christ. This brings God glory and provides us with joy.

Many readers know that one of my children suffers with seizures. I’ll never forget what she said to me one day. “Dad. I’d rather have the seizures and have what I have with Jesus than to not have the seizures and not have what I have with Jesus.” That is 100% real, pure hope talking.

God uses even the bad things in our lives to accomplish good in us even though pain is often involved in the process.  This gives us incredible hope!

Third, there can be “joy” in the midst of suffering. In Hebrews 12:1-2, we read that even Jesus endured the unspeakable shame and suffering of the cross… with joy. How can that be possible? First of all, “Joy” can be but is not necessarily “happiness” or the euphoric feeling when everything is going our way. Jesus was not happy about the excruciating pain of crucifixion. When Peter and John went away rejoicing after being flogged it wasn’t because they enjoyed it. Rather, in each case the joy at its core was a simple yet enduring satisfaction in God alone; doing his will despite the excruciating circumstances that carried them through the suffering.

Fourth, our peace does not depend on our circumstances but on Jesus’ promise. Jesus says in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled. Neither let them be afraid.” Note that there is no qualification on the peace he has given. By faith, we simply need to receive it.

If Jesus has given us peace then we should live in light of that. His peace is lasting and withstands circumstances. The world’s peace is different. It depends upon circumstances and can therefore be taken away when threatening situations arise.

To be clear: we should prayerfully seek to relieve suffering. God does heal! God does restore! Our faith in Christ, built on hope, is powerful enough to do that if God wills. But circumstances don’t always change. Hard-hearted family members only grow more embittered. Financial ends do not meet. The loved one dies. These are the harsh realities of life in a fallen world that often blind us to the hope we need to shun despair or bitterness. Instead, we would do well to exercise a resilient faith that chooses hope.

This is the hope offered through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Perhaps you are losing the battle. Fear, anger, and despair have a grip on you. Have you ever considered a relationship with Jesus Christ? He holds the keys of hope! Perhaps you already know Jesus but are losing the battle. Whatever the case, it is only through the gospel’s message of grace, mercy, and forgiveness that we find the hope needed not merely to hang on but to flourish.