It has been my experience as well as my observation that the most difficult counseling cases typically are the result of people who have not been lovingly, graciously, patiently —and intentionally—pursued for the purpose of discipleship and equipping. For exampIe, I know a pastor who is counseling a couple from another church who have been married for 35 years. They have been members “in good standing” in “solid” churches for as many years. Yet, no one knew that the husband was failing in the leadership of his home for all of those 35 years. He was never intentionally pursued. Consider that if we’re not intentionally, lovingly, graciously, patiently pursuing people, then not much else we do to “equip” will matter. I’d like to offer 4 practical encouragements to help elders and heads of household be more intentional in their shepherding or, actually, in any of your relationships. The mutually constructive Covenantal relationships that we each are involved in require intentionality in order to be effective.

1.    Intentionality gives you the opportunity to see real fruit in people’s lives What elder doesn’t want to see others grow in Christ? But that growth does not usually happen without the investment of time in people, earning their trust, getting to know their hearts, and being open with them in return.  Intentional pursuit puts us in position to see the real issues in another person’s life and provides the opportunity to address those issues with the gospel so that they can grow.

2.    Intentionality communicates that relationships are vital The gospel message comes with a delivery mechanism that the Holy Spirit uses to apply it in people’s lives: relationships. Shepherds in the church and in the home (elders and heads of household) are two vital relational equipping mechanisms (Acts 20:13-28; 1 Pet. 5:1-5; Eph. 4:11; 5:22-6:4). As shepherds, our example of following God’s Word in its applications especially in relationships communicates something to others, particularly heads of household. It communicates either positively or negatively just how important relationships really are to the ministry within the whole body. Consider how different ministry would be if the body were made up of relationships where people were intentionally pursing one another and faithfully applying the gospel (Eph. 4:15-16) to the heart in their relationships. We could reasonably conclude that there would be greater spiritual growth. Further, the crisis counseling cases that keep pastors and elders up till all hours of the night would be fewer because the issues would be addressed at the garden variety level. This is not a Utopian view of ministry at all. It is what Paul writes as an expectation in Ephesians.

3.  Intentionality clarifies priorities and identifies where you might be doing too much “WHAT?! Me shepherd? I don’t have time!” We are all busy but this is what God has called elders to do. It is very easy to doubt God’s methodology when it breaks down in human application. But the problem is our application or faithfulness to God’s plan, not the plan itself. If we don’t have time, then we have the opportunity to evaluate our priorities. Through evaluation, we may just find places where we can take some small steps of greater faithfulness.

4.  Intentionality forces us to rely more on the strength of Christ Being intentional is hard work that requires reliance on Christ. Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians how affliction, weakness, and trial are the way God works in us, driving us to Christ for strength so that He may be seen in us by those who we shepherd. It is hard to go through that refining fire, but, it is the way growth occurs. God uses our struggles with intentionality to show us our own need for him to do this all-important work in and through us. Shepherding is actual and practical or it is nothing. It is a joy to see people grasp the gospel, apply it, and grow! It is even more exciting to see them apply it in their own relationships, to see them grow in their love for others and to see them reach out to their unbelieving neighbors and friends. We should expect to see this multi-dimensional fruit result from honoring the means in God’s Word. But, intentionality is required.

Reform in the home will not come merely by focusing on equipping the men to lead or by giving children a Christian education.

Reform in the local church will not come by merely changing, adding or deleting church programs or rebuilding the church around the nuclear family.

Genuine reform comes first from identifying the real problem according to Scripture which is man’s idolatrous, self-glorifying heart (see Gen. 6:5; Isa. 29:13; Matt. 5:21-22, 27-28; 15:18-20). Genuine reform also comes from identifying the real solution to that problem according to Scripture which is the Gospel of Jesus Christ (Rom. 1:15-16, Rom. 6-8; 1 Cor. 1:30-31; 2 Cor. 3:18, Gal. 3:1-3; Col. 2:6-7, 20-23).

Before you yawn in agreement, consider what Scripture means when it says that the Gospel is the solution to our heart problem.

In Romans 1:16, Paul says that, “The Gospel is the power of God unto salvation for all who believe”. When Paul uses the word, “salvation” he is talking about the whole and complete redemption process. In other words, the Gospel is not just the power for our justification (what gives us to saving faith), but also the power for our sanctification (our growth in that faith which is to become more conformed to the glory-image of God in Jesus Christ) and our glorification (our final perfection in God’s glory image achieved when we get to heaven).

Very tragically, the Gospel has been reduced to a little piece of paper that we give unbelieving strangers, while we are oblivious to the fact (if we were ever taught the fact to begin with) that the Gospel is also the way we grow as Christians.

Yes, the good news is that we are justified by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, but the even better news is that we are also sanctified by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, too.

Seeking to grow without the Gospel is as certifiably crazy as me getting into my car and expecting to drive somewhere without any gas in the gas tank. It makes no difference if my car is a Porshe or a Yugo. If I have no gas, I go nowhere.

In the same way, no amount of changing, adding, or deleting church programs or changing what we do in the home—biblically-based though it may be—can serve as a substitute for the regular, daily application of the Gospel message to our hearts.

So, while changes may look good (at least for a while) apart from the gospel  they are a mirage. They are an appearance of holiness that is void of the transformational power they claim to provide.

This is why Jesus and Paul soundly condemned the religious leaders for their prideful, relentless pursuit of holiness by outward, self- transformation, rather than by God’s ordained means, heart-level, or inside-out transformation—in the Christian—which is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The book of John is pregnant with the theme of belief. It’s palpable and yet it is often lost on the people to whom Jesus is ministering including at times his own disciples. Today, we share the same struggle with unbelief. Do we realize how great of a role “belief” (faith) plays in our daily choices and should play in our relationships?

In John 6, the disciples asked Jesus, “What must we do to do the works of God?” Jesus replied, “The work of God is that you believe in Him whom he has sent.”

Belief Is a Vital Tool For Life

Belief (faith) is not just the key that opens the door to reconciliation with God.

Belief is also the means by which we walk with God and become more conformed to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ.  What we think, say, and do is always precipitated by belief, either in what God has said, or Satan’s lies. This is in fact what we see in Genesis 3 when Satan tempts Eve.

After we have acted on a belief in Satan’s lies (sin), belief is also the means by which we agree with God about our sin, confess it, repent of it and correct it.

Actions that glorify God are always preceded by belief in God (Rom. 6:11).

Our job in relationships (as fathers, mothers, spouses, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters or friends) is ultimately to help each other believe God; to believe the truth which is God’s view on any situation. Unfortunately this often gets lost when we focus too much on fixing outcomes.  Helping people think intentionally about how what they believe affects what they do involves helping each other discern where belief is centered in a given situation. Is it in God’s word or in Satan’s lies? It then involves helping each other believe what God says about the situation so that obedient, God-glorifying action can result.

Thinking this fundamentally—this simply—about our job in relationships is clarifying and helpful. It helps us understand and redemptively deal with the “why” behind what we do.

Belief Conquers Depression

Take for instance someone who is depressed. The “why” of their depression may be that they are facing a financial crisis. But why is the crisis causing them to respond in a sinful, i.e. depressed, way? The root cause could be that they do not believe that God is enough for them even when a real financial crisis looms (Pro. 18:10, 2 Cor. 12:9). It could be that they don’t believe that God can provide for them, even though it may come from sources they’d never expect (Matt. 6:33, Phil 4:19). Chances are, they are not thinking about the problem on this “belief” level.

Belief Conquers Sibling Rivalry

Let’s consider a regular case of two siblings fighting. (Something not unheard of in my house.) In some cases, the “why” of the fight is that a toy is not being shared. There is near bedlam. What is the belief that is directing the child’s selfish actions? Each child believes that in order to be happy, he/she must have that toy. Therefore, he/she fails to believe that Jesus provides enough happiness whether he/she has the toy or not (Ps. 16:11, John 10:10).

I realize that this may sound awkward or way too impractical. But herein lies the problem in the church and in the home. We are poor theologians. We think little about God and too much about ourselves.  We are all affected by a world that hates the glory of God and wants quick, painless answers to problems so that we can feel better about ourselves and get on with our own personal agendas.

The Challenge of Helping Unbelief

We need to get beyond platitudes, tips, good wishes, and techniques which often stop at behavioral change and bypass the heart and therefore do not transform. Only God transforms. For Him to transform us, we must see Him as he is revealed in Scripture. We must know Him…and believe him.

Done well, this requires much more than the typical lightweight garden-variety relationships that are so prevalent in churches and homes today. It requires depth and trust which is developed over time.

“Lord, Help My Unbelief” 

The request of the unnamed father in Mark 9:24 whose son Jesus freed from demonic possession should be our daily prayer, “[Lord] I believe, help my unbelief!”

Are your relationships deep enough that you can ask another person, “What does what you just did reveal about what you believe about God?” That’s a question that gets to the root of the issue rather quickly, doesn’t it?

Jesus’ example of helping people with unbelief is also a model for us. Are we following his example?